Sunday, April 22, 2007
confused
I'm trying to understand people but I'm having a hard time in trusting people. I've been used a lot. And I have a family that I shore don't need any enemy's. Because my mother had fucked with my head so much I confused on a lot of things right now because they are ling to me and using me as a entertainment. Letting everyone know my mistakes. I'm so confused on life right now. I'm hurting right now. But I'm still going forward and with a lot of angry. I'm to find out how to deal with it, in a positive way. I'm starting to learn about myself and realizing I am one confused person I'm seeing what made me this way. I went though a lot of things growing up I went though a lot of mental abuse. I'm still trying to find myself and I'm having a hard time in dealing with people using me as a entertainment. I'm having a hard time in dealing with my family going out of there way to hurt me more. Why are they telling everyone my business I admit to my problems and I'm facing them everyday. Mom go's out of her way to make me look bad. And she doesn't think she as nothing to do with. My mom has a lot to do with it I'm dealing with my self right now and she doesn't think her shit don't stink. But she did a lot to me and she doesn't want to face her problems like I'm trying to do right now. I'm still fucking up but I 'm facing them. I feel alone but I'll find myself somewere. It's just hard to find some one I can trust. And there is a reason for me in this world. God put me here for some think. I just don't know what it is. Ijust got to find my path. Because I'm believing in meself. Even thow no one believes in me. I don't have to do this for anyone. I always think I'm going to disapoint my mother I got to stop leting her get at me. Because she is good at doing that. She'll go back to when I was a child. She does not let me forget. And she knows how to fuck with my head. I'm trying to understand. GOD please let me understand why there is so much evil people in this world. I know one thing I am a honest person I just got to like my self. I am doing good in school and there is some people that like me. But I do need a person to talk to me and understand what I'm feeling. I'll be O.K. with myself I'm learning alot. One thing I now I've got to stay away from my family. I'll admit to my problens and my family ain't good for me. As long as I think I'm a good person and god lves me Ill be O.K.. LORD IS ON MY SIDE. Thank you.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
This piece was reprinted with permission from Templum Babalonis
I see myself standing on a great hill of lush grasses and rocks of fine character. The winds of time and space whirl around me, at once caressing my skin and the soft silks that I wear, whispering in my ears and head the voices that call to me. The grass dances in response, pointing my way to the visions that I see which fall before my gaze. The wind carries away the emotions that pour forth from me—the results of what I see. I know I am not alone in this. I know that there are others, who seek the ways, the remedies, the direction away from that which we have become, to the way we might truly be.
I see our humanity, a picture of grand despair and hopelessness. Masses of people whirl through their daily lives, lost in the everyday madness that has become common life. Emptiness fills the purposes that have been given to us by others. People have lost the ways of the seekers, those that follow their inner voice, searching for their higher existence. Society has become its own life form, fulfilling its greediness at the expense of the individual. All that is achieved is to gather riches for others, while individuals struggle to make their own way, to meet their own needs.
I see common desperation. It pours forth from every porthole of expression that society allows. The media, the entertainment, portrays images of what we as humanity supposedly want to be fulfilled, ever dangling that elusive word — “happy”. The media, the entertainment, paints illusions with material ideas and objects. Those things which when gathered around us fills our homes and lives with sparkles and menial gratification, but which does not fill the void within us. There is no feeling of satisfaction.
When individuals speak to me, it is with great sorrow and longing. They long for inner strength and purpose. They long for respect, for love. They long for a voice that would be heard, and understood. They long for a life that would fill this void with purpose — with a satisfaction that says that the individual does exist, and that this existence is for a reason. Why am I here at all? Why am I alive? Why is there a state of existence? When I am not here, what will it all mean? These are questions that they ask.
I see women and men, existing together, seeking each other out, often in desperation. I hear both genders complaining and belittling the other, creating a constant push-pull relationship between them. Sexuality fills our world through the media and our daily lives, yet it is continually linked with judgment and condemnation. Sexual union is something that drives humanity in so many areas of our existence, yet due to judgment and condemnation, sexuality is rarely able to be expressed in a healthy and natural way. Sexuality has become a commodity, rather than a natural state. It is used to pit the genders against each other, through domination, manipulation, control, exploitation, and money. There is no balance between the genders on this planet.
Look at yourselves, women, and men. This is but a game, that life has become. We seek to be together, to be near, and close, and exchange ourselves, our thoughts, our desires, our love. What stands in your way? As women, do we feel the support, the love, the respect, the place in the world that we truly deserve? Or, do we feel the daily struggle, in our homes, in our work, in our community, for a true voice, for a true recognition. Are we as women safe in this world? Our strength is not recognized. Our voice is not heard. We are cast as illusions of what we have been defined as.
As men, do you feel in conflict? You are told what to seek, what to desire, you are fed the illusions of what women are and yet what sort of peace does this offer you? Where do you truly belong, and where do they? How deep is your longing, how dark and empty are the voids within you. Can you truly be who you really are? Do you know who you really are? Are you accepted by others as yourself, or do you carry the weight of the image you must portray?
I see humanity filled with apathy, dismay, disharmony, hopelessness, and anger. I am comforted by my existence, and the knowledge that there are paths that lead true seekers to a higher existence. I am comforted by the knowledge that these paths lay open to be discovered by humanity, if only humanity chooses to find them. If even one individual recognizes that there is a purpose to be discovered, then I am not alone.
The future of our planet is dependent upon such observations as these. What one finds, others will see. It is time for individuals to recognize that “every man and every woman is a star.” I stand on this hill, surrounded by the voices in the wind, and the visions that lead me forward. I am waiting for the individuals, for the seekers. I am waiting for the time to be right for me to assist others in finding their own way. “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will.”
Posted in Thelema, Men, Spirituality, Women, Humanity 4 Comments »
« Previous Entries
I see myself standing on a great hill of lush grasses and rocks of fine character. The winds of time and space whirl around me, at once caressing my skin and the soft silks that I wear, whispering in my ears and head the voices that call to me. The grass dances in response, pointing my way to the visions that I see which fall before my gaze. The wind carries away the emotions that pour forth from me—the results of what I see. I know I am not alone in this. I know that there are others, who seek the ways, the remedies, the direction away from that which we have become, to the way we might truly be.
I see our humanity, a picture of grand despair and hopelessness. Masses of people whirl through their daily lives, lost in the everyday madness that has become common life. Emptiness fills the purposes that have been given to us by others. People have lost the ways of the seekers, those that follow their inner voice, searching for their higher existence. Society has become its own life form, fulfilling its greediness at the expense of the individual. All that is achieved is to gather riches for others, while individuals struggle to make their own way, to meet their own needs.
I see common desperation. It pours forth from every porthole of expression that society allows. The media, the entertainment, portrays images of what we as humanity supposedly want to be fulfilled, ever dangling that elusive word — “happy”. The media, the entertainment, paints illusions with material ideas and objects. Those things which when gathered around us fills our homes and lives with sparkles and menial gratification, but which does not fill the void within us. There is no feeling of satisfaction.
When individuals speak to me, it is with great sorrow and longing. They long for inner strength and purpose. They long for respect, for love. They long for a voice that would be heard, and understood. They long for a life that would fill this void with purpose — with a satisfaction that says that the individual does exist, and that this existence is for a reason. Why am I here at all? Why am I alive? Why is there a state of existence? When I am not here, what will it all mean? These are questions that they ask.
I see women and men, existing together, seeking each other out, often in desperation. I hear both genders complaining and belittling the other, creating a constant push-pull relationship between them. Sexuality fills our world through the media and our daily lives, yet it is continually linked with judgment and condemnation. Sexual union is something that drives humanity in so many areas of our existence, yet due to judgment and condemnation, sexuality is rarely able to be expressed in a healthy and natural way. Sexuality has become a commodity, rather than a natural state. It is used to pit the genders against each other, through domination, manipulation, control, exploitation, and money. There is no balance between the genders on this planet.
Look at yourselves, women, and men. This is but a game, that life has become. We seek to be together, to be near, and close, and exchange ourselves, our thoughts, our desires, our love. What stands in your way? As women, do we feel the support, the love, the respect, the place in the world that we truly deserve? Or, do we feel the daily struggle, in our homes, in our work, in our community, for a true voice, for a true recognition. Are we as women safe in this world? Our strength is not recognized. Our voice is not heard. We are cast as illusions of what we have been defined as.
As men, do you feel in conflict? You are told what to seek, what to desire, you are fed the illusions of what women are and yet what sort of peace does this offer you? Where do you truly belong, and where do they? How deep is your longing, how dark and empty are the voids within you. Can you truly be who you really are? Do you know who you really are? Are you accepted by others as yourself, or do you carry the weight of the image you must portray?
I see humanity filled with apathy, dismay, disharmony, hopelessness, and anger. I am comforted by my existence, and the knowledge that there are paths that lead true seekers to a higher existence. I am comforted by the knowledge that these paths lay open to be discovered by humanity, if only humanity chooses to find them. If even one individual recognizes that there is a purpose to be discovered, then I am not alone.
The future of our planet is dependent upon such observations as these. What one finds, others will see. It is time for individuals to recognize that “every man and every woman is a star.” I stand on this hill, surrounded by the voices in the wind, and the visions that lead me forward. I am waiting for the individuals, for the seekers. I am waiting for the time to be right for me to assist others in finding their own way. “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will.”
Posted in Thelema, Men, Spirituality, Women, Humanity 4 Comments »
« Previous Entries
I went on with my life. And I learned not to go down that road again. Well I thought I wouldn't go there again. Well I least didn't have any kids. At the time I didn't know I couldn't have any kids. Well one thing I did was drinking a lot more every time I got kicked in the @#*^$% . I did do a lot of drinking in the Army. I was trying to fit in at the time I was not thinking that clear at the but I was doing a lot of learn by my self , without the help of family at the time they thought I was strong because I joined the Army.
Monday, April 9, 2007
उन्देर्स्तान्दिंग
I'm trying to understand life and people that live life. And why people treat people the way they do now of days. When I was growing up I was told to show people respect and I should get respect back. But now of days people try to see what they can get from you without giving you the respect you give them. They like to see how much they can get from you for free. It seems like they try to see how many games they can play on you and get away with it before you figured it out that they played you. They don't seem to have any feeling. I went to the Army after I graduated high school I did three years. I had a ANEURISM after I got out, and I some hard timess for a long time but I picked myself up without the government to help me at that time I got a job and my own place. I got a boyfreind for a little while. And in that time. Some how he lost his job , his place and moved in with me. I didn't see what was happening til it was to late. He got me by my STUPID NICENESS. He ended up stealing my things ,money and my he stomped on my heart. I was young then.
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